Do you remember back in the “good old days” when it was bad to be gay?  Bad to be an unwed mother?  Bad to have pre-marital sex?  Bad to divorce?  Bad to lie?

I can even recall when the WORD divorce was dirty.  It seems that not only can we now do these things in the open, we’re also good people for doing them.  Therapist and author Mira Kirshenbaum has published a book entitled “When Good People Have Affairs“.  It only becomes more amusing when you read the subtitle:  “Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships”.

Her theory is that given the right circumstances,  cheating on your husband or wife is a meritorious act.  Despite this premise, she still suggests that we lie and hide our “good deed”, at the risk of upsetting the balance of the universe.

While some of Mira’s fellow counsellors have been critical, arguing that affairs are detrimental to society, I think they are taking the wrong approach.  Affairs are a consequence of a people who already hold a deeper, malignant principle.  Seriously, why would someone worry about the effect on society when they don’t even care about their own spouse?!  This approach can never and will never work.

Consider for a moment why Mira would write such a book… What underlying idea is she expressing?  Which idea ties her together with her readership, and possibly to the wider society?

I’m sure we’ve all heard people say “I’ll try anything once”, or that they want to “find themselves”, “express themselves”, or that they’re “just having a laugh”.  A marriage - a binding relationship between two people - surely is a detriment to that desire to be free.  It limits the couple to a commitment, to only having sex with their husband or wife.  The expression and exploration is confined, leading to the phrases “ball and chain” and “settling down”, or even “trapped” when referring to marriage.  The last minute drunken visits to the stripper on a stag night make a lot of sense when a freedom-loving individual is facing the condemnation of a lifetime of responsibility and restriction.  Mira, on the other hand, is giving them a way to do what they feel they must, and to fulfill that urge.  Of course she says it is good - it ties into her raison d’être.

The lack of an absolute is fundamental to the motivations for her book, and to understanding the wider issue of marital and family breakdown.  While Muslims have values - reference points - that cannot change, in Mira’s world, what is good is forever changing.  In this instance, we would hardly be able to call a marriage a marriage.  It is now an inconvenient formality to be discarded when it conflicts with self expression, self benefit, and self interest.  Lying about it is just a necessary aspect of self preservation.

I came across an email from a young single Muslim that shows the contrast:

From what I hear, marriage is half of the deen.  I guess that means that for a single person, whatever you happen to have experienced of Islam so far, it is at best 50%.  Can you imagine?!  That has to be on another level.  Knowing that your husband or wife can be trusted regardless of where they are and who they are with.  Knowing that they understand their responsibilities to you, your children, your parents and to the Ummah.  Knowing that they would never act to threaten the tranquility that Allah (swt) commands there to be in a marriage.  Knowing that even if the opportunity for haram presented itself, which it inevitably does, that they would feel repulsed by the idea of turning against the command of their Rabb.  Knowing that they would always act in the best interests of both of you, and not resort to individualism.  Knowing that their definition of beauty is not simply the latest fashion.  Knowing that he respects and admires you as a sister in the deen, and that his relationship with you is his gateway to attain Jannah.  Knowing that you will share the same solutions for problems.  Knowing they they are with you until death because they love you - and that “I love you” isn’t just a phrase to them.  Surely a relationship like this can go a long way towards providing the stability lost from previous relationships.

Which heart and mind would you rather love?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 4:13 pm and is filed under Islam. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.